Lily-Livered-Loving

I should never have landed
On this planet where love reigns
Like a wicked witch bent on
Chaos, upheaval, and destruction.

Constantly shivering in my shoes
I think of loved ones at all hours,
Especially when I should be sleeping.
But do they ever think of me?

As a child you do not know
That loving your aunts, uncles, friends
Will one day leave you holding
A heavy, stinking bag of grief.

If I had known how love would be
Then, as a child, I would have
Trusted less, loved tenuously
Or, probably, not at all.

Better to save oneself, I think
Love's too scary, pain overwhelms,
I am afraid to see another day
ANd fearful of being left behind.

Again Last Night

As I lay awake again last night
A question inserted itself
In the fabric of my sleep.
"How do you know someone loves you
If they never call?"

Tears insisted on falling.
My spouse eventually awoke,
He explained it all away
In his own mind not mine.
I finally went back to sleep.

When I woke again it was
After a dream in vivid color
My artistic side had taken
Me to my safer universe.
Black is gone and color rules.

So many disappointments
Life stifles my will to live on
Love is all to me yet painful.
I had hoped to share my whole life
With those I've always loved.

My arms feel emptied, withered.
Fear makes me shiver as I wait
For that last loved one to leave.
Worry pervades my world while I sit
Wondering if you'll arrive for lunch.