Ugly Heart

I had a heart cath done last month.
I was scared, but it was not a big deal.
I thought someone told me in the surgery
That I had - a nice little heart.
I know my heart is old, sad, chipped, torn up, raggedy.

I eat too much, I exercise too little.
I cry over losing 2 lovely daughters
And I worry that I will lose a 3rd.
I don't feel that I deserved to lose any daughter.
I always tried to be a good mother tho I was too young.

I feel anger toward too many people
The ones who harmed my cute, little
Mother-in-law, she who was good to me and them.
And I am disappointed that the people paid to protect
Did not hear me and bring the abusers to justice.

So many painful wrongs for me to live with, think about,
They do not go away, they feel like mistakes,
Mistakes, mistakes, that I must correct somehow.
But I have not figured out how. How? How? How?
I fear I will die knowing that I failed to make things right.

I cannot let go of my daughters, my mother-in-law,
My mother who died too young, the boy I once gave
My heart to. And he took my heart, and, yet, he did not
Love me back, What is that? What is it called?
If someone takes your love like that is he a thief?

My heart seems to break at some moments,
And it is not my cholesterol, soft plaque and all.
What pains my heart is the sadness, the misery, the
Longing for those I have loved so much.
Anita, you would understand, Mumma, you could not,
Jennifer, you refuse, Amanda, you are silent.